Falling Has Never Been My Thing…Until Now
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It seemed like an eternity had passed since he had left her standing in the courtyard outside Branford. After walking the short distance, she entered their suite and settled herself on the couch. In actuality, Paris hadn’t been home; Rory had just forgotten to turn off the common room light when Logan had picked her up earlier in the evening. She hadn’t bothered to change out of her evening dress because her mind was solely fixated on analyzing the night at hand; what she was wearing had no effect on that.
Ever since Logan walked away, Rory had been replaying the night’s events in her head with the hope of trying to make sense out of all that had transpired. The scenes danced through her memory via vivid images that seemed as real as they had been when they originally happened. As much as Rory was surprised by the Huntzberger family’s reaction to her relationship with Logan, she knew she shouldn’t have been. The feelings towards her, demonstrated by Shira and Elias, were all too familiar to her. Although she had spent her teenage years forging a great relationship with her grandparents and wading into high societal waters, she knew very well that some people still had very low opinions of her. Those low opinions were greatly exemplified by her paternal grandparents, and those were also shared amongst several families in Society. Straub and Francine Hayden never saw past the fact that she was a child born out-of-wedlock and blamed her for the fact that her father never joined the family business. They never saw her for who she really was: the Chilton valedictorian, the Yale student who had options, the reporter for the Yale Daily News. Her maternal grandparents, however, saw past all the negatives and had taken her into their hearts, introducing her to Society. But Rory always knew that the influence they had might never be enough to win over all of Hartford’s elite. She just never expected that the Huntzbergers would be one of the opposed.
When Logan had agreed with Honor’s request that Rory come to dinner with him, Rory had been quite shocked. Never in a million years had she expected him to take her in an event like this, at least not this early in their “official” relationship. She had had her reservations about the repercussions of the night, but she never expected it to be that dramatic. For the most part, Rory had feared that she would be sent home to start making preparations for Society’s Wedding of the Year. Instead, there she was in her room with the quietness that enveloped her dorm, alone without the slightest idea as to where her boyfriend of not even forty-eight hours was.
That’s what scared her the most. He had just walked off and left her in the middle of the courtyard, only muttering a few words that symbolized some sort of goodbye - definitely not his style. Just in the early hours the previous day, she had been worried that she would be saying goodbye to him for good because she couldn‘t handle anymore their “no strings“ arrangement, but he had surprised her with the biggest attitude change that had yet to be chronicled in any record book. Now she was stricken by that same fear again, except this time it was brought on by his family’s harsh views of her and their relationship.
Logan wasn’t the type who would do the things his parents demanded of him; she knew that. But she also knew that he hated dealing with their bullshit, too. So in her mind, the future of their relationship was balancing a very fine line. She had faith in Logan and she really believed he cared deeply for her, but she couldn’t prevent her mind from considering the worst case scenario and placing the horrific night on constant replay in her mind. Rory could only imagine what was going through Logan’s mind, and that scared her quite a bit.
The phone call with her mom, which had formed an hour into her analyzing, was a helpful but minimal distraction from the night itself and the games her mind was playing with her heart. Part of her played an active role in the familiar banter with her mom, but a greater part was focused elsewhere. The knock on the door stirred her out of her revere in both cases.
She put her mom on hold and walked out to answer the door, phone still in hand. To her surprise, Logan was standing on the opposite side of the threshold. “Hey,” she welcomed, letting a brief moment go by before she continued, “Everything okay?”
The emotion carried by that simple question was enough to urge Logan’s eyes up from their focal point on the ground to meet her heavy blue ones, “I’m sorry”.
“For what?” Rory questioned, but not completely baffled by what he was saying.
Logan gave a slight shake of his head, “For just taking off like that. I just…This was a very intense evening for me.” He sounded sure of himself in the beginning but by the end of his attempt at an explanation he was stuttering and trailing off - just trying to get a grip on what he was trying to explain to her.
“I’m sure,” Rory agreed, knowing full well what he meant by intense. She was there too, she saw it all.
Logan shook his head, making an effort to show her that it was no excuse. “But taking off like that, I was overreacting and that’s just stupid. So,” he paused, contemplating what her answer might be, “Forgive me?” Logan knew very well that there was a chance she wouldn’t be so easily forgiving, and he couldn’t hold that against her. It had been a rough night for him; rougher than he had predicted, but that was no excuse for just leaving her like that. He had no plausible idea about the thoughts that might have been running through her mind.
She shook her head, shaking off the idea of forgiveness, “There is nothing to forgive”.
“Well, get your coat and I’ll get you something to eat,” Logan offered in terms of peace, and let out the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.
In return, Rory gave him the first smile since earlier in the evening. “Sure, just give me a minute.” He watched her back track through the common room before disappearing into her room, most likely to grab her coat and finish up the phone call he had obviously interrupted with his appearance. She mumbled a few words before reappearing in the common room with her coat and purse in hand. “Alright, let’s get the fun part of this night started.”
Logan nodded, lacing his fingers with hers, and began to guide her down the path to the other side of campus, “Don’t tempt me, I might just call in Colin and Finn for back-up.” Only in half-seriousness, his words were meant to lighten the mood. He could still feel the insecurity radiating from her body. He truly believed in the forgiveness that she bestowed upon him only minutes earlier, but he knew that a part of her was still weighing what had resulted from the dinner with his family and it killed him that he was responsible for the way she was feeling; he never should have left her standing in that courtyard.
They had been walking around campus contemplating where to go eat, and both considering their feelings, when Logan stopped abruptly, determined to fix what was invisibly wrong between them. Eyeing a bench a few feet away, he guided a very confused Rory over and sat them both down. “I’m sorry,” was all he said. He knew it didn’t cover nearly enough of what he wanted to say, but it was a simple start; he was good at doing simple.
Rory looked across the park bench at him, blue eyes staring intently into his brown ones, “Logan, you already said that, and I told you that you did nothing wrong.” She was confused, beyond a doubt, and the emotion seeped out in her words.
Logan sighed. Rory was always the reasonable and logical one, so leave it to her to accept a simple apology and just drop the subject as easily as that. He wouldn’t accept that though. Logan knew that he had screwed up, and she deserved better than that. Rory was more than he could have ever asked for, more than he deserved, and she shouldn’t have to question his feelings for her. Sure, he wasn’t exactly an expert in being the perfect boyfriend - or being a boyfriend at all - but Logan knew that what he had done didn’t measure up, and he wanted her to know how sorry he was.
“No, Rory,” he began, using her name to show her that he was serious, “I did say I was sorry, but I didn’t necessarily get to say what I was sorry for. Tonight was a rough night for me but that is no excuse for just leaving you alone tonight, I told you that. But that doesn’t nearly cover the whole situation.” The only response he allowed her to give him was an expression of confusion before he continued, “I know you, Rory, and when I left you in that courtyard, spurning your good-hearted invitation, your mind went into overdrive. You were only trying to help me like any girlfriend would do, despite how much my family’s opinions hurt you, and I shook them off. You must have been confused, disappointed and, most of all, doubtful. My walking away gave you the chance to doubt my commitment and my ability to handle this relationship. But I don’t want you to feel that way.”
Rory just looked at him, tears welling in her eyes because he had somehow managed to see right through her. Somehow he had been able to locate the insecurity that was buried in the back of her mind, but part of her wanted to protest. It wasn’t his fault that his family was more than he should have to deal with and that he wasn’t used to the obligations that came with being someone’s boyfriend. “Logan, you can’t be expected to make up for your family’s actions and you’re not used to…”
She didn’t get to say much before Logan cut her off and finished her sentence, “being a boyfriend? That doesn’t count, Rory. I may not know a lot about being a boyfriend, Lord knows I haven’t done it before, but I am ready and willing to learn to be the best. When I agreed to be your boyfriend, I did it with all the right intentions. I want to be there for you, be the person you come and talk to, spend time with you, and be that someone you can trust the most. Let’s be honest, I almost screwed all that up tonight by only worrying about myself and my damn family problems. And as for my family, they are all idiots with the exception of my sister. I have never let them effect my judgment before, and I’ll be damned if I let that happen now with you.”
A sigh escaped her lips, “Logan, I know you want all that and you mean well. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want all that, too. But I also don’t want you to feel stuck in this relationship and feel burdened by the social obligations that are expected of you. I want you to feel comfortable, and I won’t let my wants get in the way of that. That’s what people in a relationship do.” As she finished her admission, her eyes fell down to study her hands.
Logan reached out with his fingers and gently tilted her chin so that she was looking at him, “I have never felt more comfortable in my life than when I am with you. Honestly, I never thought it was possible to experience the moments and feelings you hear about in fairytales, but when I am with you everything seems possible,” he paused and took in the flash of humor that found its way into her eyes. “Yeah, I know that sounds like a cliché line Finn would use on some redhead at the pub, but that’s beside the point. I’m not going anywhere, anytime soon. I miss you too much when you’re not around, even when our no-strings arrangement was in force. All these things I am saying to you are so easy to put into words, but they tend to be a little bit harder to show. So please, Ace, I promise you that I am going to try harder to show my feelings through actions.”
Too choked up, Rory simply nodded her understanding and approval. Logan pulled her head closer and placed a soft, sweeping kiss on her lips. It wasn’t deep or sensual; it was the seal to a meaningful promise. He pulled back just a fraction of an inch and whispered, “You know, falling has never been my thing.”
Rory laughed softly and let her mind drift back to a very memorable event, reminiscing, “You don’t have a thing for falling? I swear I can remember a time when you jumped off a seven-story scaffolding. I was there with you.” Her words were matter-of-fact, but laced with jest.
Logan shook his head, causing his nose to rub gently against hers because of their close proximity. “Okay, well other than that,” he sighed, letting her win, “But the other kind of falling, the one where you let yourself get close to a special someone and allow yourself to be lost in just them, is something that’s never been my style.”
Her intake of breath caused him to pull back, giving him enough space so that he could look directly into those blue eyes that mesmerized him, “Until now.”